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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Lmaoo 😂
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people