Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The point of your 20s
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.