[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
You Might Also Like
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
why am I working on Labor Day
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”