me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.