This is my favorite one of these!
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When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Usage Guidelines
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday