Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
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[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…