*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
We’ve all been there
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Lmao
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Life cycle of cat