I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*limbos away from your hug*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ