There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Oh. My. God.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.