In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
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I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
And then there were 4
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.