No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
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If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Warm pools make me nervous.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”