“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.