If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*