urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
You Might Also Like
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?