In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…