reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
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To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
This is amazing.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him