Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Just parrot things
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.