In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
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Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that