Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
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ugh not again
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made