Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
You Might Also Like
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
meanwhile over on facebook
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits