When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”