why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
How funny!
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.