[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
You Might Also Like
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN