Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Good morning y’all ☀️
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.