“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
You Might Also Like
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude