You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
You Might Also Like
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Had an epiphany today.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.