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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.