I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
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me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The funk soul brother
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.