How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.