Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
You Might Also Like
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim