Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
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Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That