(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
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People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me trying to reach for my goals
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?