No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Optional boss fight.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Yeah. This was me today.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.