I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years