Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.