I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*