That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.