[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?