Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?