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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
What the hell happened here.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later