6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read