Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?