wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
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They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*