her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.