My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT