Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
HELP 😭
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.