Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Yes my dude
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.