Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
You Might Also Like
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
This is so me 😂😂
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.