Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
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Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?