i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.